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Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
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I love how the year out of my entire youth group experience, that was the most meaningful year of my life and the one that I learned so much about myself in, is totally shot to hell and doesnt mean a damn thing to certain people. If you knew that you werent going to be able to keep in touch then those words "Girls you mean so much to us, and we will always be here for you and we love you and we'll always come down and see you and hang out" wouldn't have meant so much to me. We call you guys and try to make plans and all we get is an answering machine and its not fair, an answering machine is not a valid means of conversation. I just dont understand how in life things can mean so much to people and then the same thing means nothing to the other person. I guess it was just a job for you both and you fed us the lines you feed everyone you meet and have to leave. I forgive you but i want to know why and i want you to just be honest about the fact that you dont care about seeing us anymore. Is that to much to ask?
*you left me here with nothing to lose..
and as i take it all back, i'd still take it from you..
and i'm writing the same words every time..
but i guess that never mattered to you..
and i'm sorry that it didn't quite work out this time..
so you can deal with your regrets, and i'll deal with mine..
and don't forget to call me when you 'make it.'
and for now, i'll just think what i want..
this time, it's plain to see..
after everything, i will be the one who is left laughing..
and i hope that you meant it, everything you said..
you're too blind to see it going wrong again..
well don't tell me that it's nothing..
i can see it's killing you..
and i'll take every word you say as gospel - take it straight to heart..
and i hate you, but i love you, and i swear it doesn't matter..
and you're running away, screaming 'i can't take this'..
you beat me and you broke me, and now i'm falling down..
if i'm falling down, pretend you don't know.*
I thought that in Graig and Kassie I had 2 good friends, im not that mad at Kassie and I'm not really surprised that she doesnt talk to us anymore but Graig...Graig was my best guy friend at one time and I truly cared about him. He was the one person that I knew that I could always come to and always have him there to talk to and make me laugh. I feel like that person is gone and I dont even know him anymore at all. I hate when friendships just die and no one wants to take the blame for it. Kelly and I talked for an hour about it and we are just fed up with it and we understand all the details and the blah blah blahs but we just want answers and we want to know that we did mean something to them atleast and that they miss us atleast. I dont know if they will ever give us that but we will just have to wait and see I guess. Until then, we'll be waiting.
<3
Stephanie
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Monday, October 11th, 2004
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so wow its been a while...
a lot has actually been happening lately to me and its all pretty cool. Ive been thinking a lot lately about life and what im going to do when i get out of highschool and the more i think about it the more i worry cuz its like there arent that many options when it comes to where i could go to school but then there are too many options about what i want to major in and what i want to be for the rest of my life. Its so stressful and if i could go back to eighth grade and do highschool all over again i would and i would do it so differently. Too late now and i shouldnt be regretting so much. I just want to know that its going to be okay and that everything is going to work out. I hope things do because i hate to worry, it tears me apart.
Things outside of school are pretty good. My family has issues...well my mom does. Today Chloe asked her a question and she freaked out because she was trying to watch her tv. And i said something about it, she always blows up at Chloe for breathing and i hate it. She sits there and says things and then 5 minutes later she refuses to admit that she said that or she will think she said something and really it was completly different. I wish she could see how she is and change or ill take her on Dr. Phil..i so would. haha.
Work is really good. I love it there and i think i have a crush on a guy i work with, we flirt a lot and i think he likes me but i dont know. I wish he would just come out and ask me to hang out but it hasnt happened yet. It will though, i can feel it. :) And of course hes the guy that no one approves of because hes 'bad' and he doesnt go to school and i honestly dont care...thats why i shunned Brent and im not going to do that again. What is it with me and that group of boys? Todd, Brent now Kris??? haha i get around. I really enjoy hanging out with him alot, we have fun together. I love James and Phillipe too, they treat me like thier little sister. The other night Phil told me that him and James think that i dont know how pretty i am and they are worried that im going to go to college and meet some ass hole guy and hes going to treat me like crap. They said that i deserve better than that. I love it there and i dont see myself anywhere else...ever.
That was a good update, i feel better...lets see how long i can keep this going.
<3
Stephanie
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Thursday, September 16th, 2004
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so tonight my parents went to the meeting at school about college and applying for it and all that good stuff. Well not good, actually not good at all. I went on facts.org and found out that my GPA isnt good for any of the scholorships that they have. Im so pissed off at myself for being such a dumbass in 10th grade and it completly screwed me over. So now i have to search around for some other scholorships in hopes to find enough. I know my parents are trying with the pre paid stuff but i need all the help i can get. God i wish that i could just pick up and go to college wherever i felt liek going and not having to worry about money or getting in or what im going to do. I envy people that know exactly what they want to do and dont have one fucking obstacle in their way. Its not fair, i worked my ass off last year for nothing and now it looks like i'll be going to Santa Fe for a couple years...there's nothing wrong with that i guess but i still just wish that that wasnt an option.
Im going to retake the SAT and i hope to get over 1100 this time. I really think i can if i try harder. I know that i shouldnt be jealous of people but i just think that some people dont know how good they have it. But hey atleast im hispanic, thats about all ive got going for me when it comes to applying for college. I dont want to think about this anymore so im not.
not loving myself,
Stephanie
p.s. i got my period today too.
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Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
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Take the Five Iron Frenzy personality test! | </table
yeeuh, look at my new icon. yeah only one word describes that picture...hot. wow, ok i think my new years resolution should be not to neglect this thing.
I started my new job and i like it, its cool. Next weekend is the mystery trip, which i cant wait for.
Today i went to Kaydee's and we did absolutly nothing but had lots of fun talking to tombledorf and me trying to find her secret pictures on her computer and her almost hurting me, haha.
welp. that will have to do for today.
<3
Me
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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
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| Time: | 10:28 pm. |
| Mood: |  sick. |
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I finally got a job and today was my second day working. Its pretty cool and really easy and the people there are really nice, and they help me out a lot, which is good when i dont know what im doing. Im excited about the job but i have reservations like ...not being able to hang out with my friends as much and being as involved with things at my church as much, but i will do what i can and i hope thats good enough! Christmas should be pretty good, im going out of town christmas and wont be back until Sunday. I cant wait to get away, ive had an urge to walk on the beach and look at the sunset. Ill take more pictures kaydee!! lol. Plus i get to see my cousin that i havent seen in a loooong time and apparently shes changed for the better which is awesome.
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Thursday, December 4th, 2003
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| Subject: | blah |
| Time: | 9:51 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. | | Music: | rough draft. |
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Lately ive been feeling like a really bad person. I feel like a mooch. I know that my friends care about me and that if i need something i know they would do it for me if they have the ability to and i hope they all know that if i had the ability to buy them things and lend them money, that i would. I am very fortunate and my parents try their hardest to let me do as much as i can and i feel really shitty when i treat them bad and then i ask them for something and 9 times out of 10 i still get what i want. I just wish i knew how it felt to always have money to fall back on and not have to worry about my parents and what they could have used with those 10 dollars i absolutly needed to go to dinner with a friend. I just feel like im not in the same league as some of my friends and i just cant keep up when they want to do all these things and i just cant do it. I wish i could just ask for money and get it without having to plan out what we need before that. And i wish christmas this year could be better. I cant even buy my own family gifts, how in the world do i expect to buy gifts for my friends. i really need a job and i know im not really trying as hard as i could but atleast i have tried a little. Im going to go on a hunt this weekend and if i dont get a job i dont know what i will do. I dont even know the point of these ramblings but i guess its just me feeling bad for myself.
once again jealousy is stronger than me
<3
messuh
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Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
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aaaahhahahaahahahaha. im at school right now looking up job opportunities in journalism for my communication tech. class. woop woop. last night i went to the UF vs. FAMU game and that was good, we won. Famu plays really sloppy and spastic, i dont like it. there was almost a fight and that was funny.
tonight is BHS vs. GHS first wrestling match and Dr. Kearneys' classes get 25 extra credit points if we go, and i need it for this test because i dont really understand what we are doing right now. go bobcats!
me and kaydee are hanging out after school and im excited!!
<3
me
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Wednesday, November 26th, 2003
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yeah today sucks, i didnt make Footloose and i kinda expected that cuz everyone was really good and if you auditioned for a big part and didnt make it, most of them got chorus so if you wrote down chorus on your audition sheet you were almost like a filler person if you were pretty good. o well, im still so happy that Audrey got Ariel understudy, thats awesome. she deserves it :o). I cant wait to see it i know it will be good.
<3
Messuh
p.s. im sorry megan, i love you!
harry (megan): hey how was your day?
lloyd (me): i fell off the jetway again...
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Monday, November 24th, 2003
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wow so today was auditions for Footloose and i think i did allright, the singing was ok, it could have been better, when i was singing it to myself and practicing it sounded pretty good but when i got on the stage my voice was shaky and wasnt as good as it couldve been but o well on that. The dance was cute but i messed up a few times but i think i did pretty good overall and omg i hopei get cast so bad more than anything right now cuz it looks like so much fun i really want to be a part of that. :o) Plus if me and megan were in a musical it would be kick ass fun for like 5 months straight lol.
this weekend was lame, i got to see elf but with my family but it was still really good. this week will rock cause i only have 2 days of school and one of them is over. my grades are good and im happy with my life right now. its fantastic. well im gunna go to bed.
<3 Me
p.s. five iron's last show was saturday, they are officially done...but they better do a reunion show and if they ever did me, megan, melissa, josh, lindsey and sammy would so be FIRST in line! we love you guys with all of our hearts <3
We flew over Alaska; we saw the frozen mountains pierce the clouds. It was beautiful. We felt the waves of New Zealand; the water shimmered beneath a moonlight shroud. It was beautiful. Close to home in an ordinary room we felt You there. It's my favorite memory. You're so beautiful. The spring in Appalachia, with flowers swaying above the fields of green. It was beautiful. Driving in New England, the road littered with bright October leaves. It was beautiful. Close to home in an ordinary room we felt You there. It's my favorite memory. You're so beautiful to me. Thanks for the songs, these seven friends and eight good years. It is You that made them sweet, it was beautiful. Pictures looking back, just snapshots of the past cannot compare, to feeling what we felt, through anything that came, that You were there. A thousand smiling faces, backlit and bouncing to the beat. It was beautiful. As many soaring voices, forever changed by Your mercy. It was beautiful. Far away from all the lights and noise we felt You there. It's my favorite memory. You're so beautiful to me. Thanks for the songs, these seven friends and eight good years. It is You that made them sweet. You're so beautiful to me.
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Friday, November 14th, 2003
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I got contact lenses!!!!!
woop woop. it feels so wierd to see so clear but not be wearing glasses. i love it so much!!
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Sunday, November 2nd, 2003
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Heya!
announcement: my birthday is tomarrow, woop woop!
anyway, this weekend has been interesting. Friday at school we did nothing, just partied and hung out basically. Then that night i went with kelly and mary to the haunted house, it wasnt that scary, it wasnt worth 6 bucks but o well. then we went to burger king and then to the church to meet up with audrey, rachel and graig to watch a scary movie. we got there and audrey and rachel didnt come till 45 minutes later. Anyways, we start watching the movie and Graig kept walking back and forth to the room where we were and the room he was in to check on us and watch the movie and stuff and we are sitting there and someone starts pounding on the back door and so me and this kid john get up and look outside and no ones there and so we sit down and think nothing then me and kelly get up to see graig in the other room and we look up through the window and our cars were gone! YEAH GONE!! S o we freak out and hes like "i didnt do it" blah blah blah and then we look over at the church and Audrey's car is sitting on the sidewalk and so me and kelly walk over there and our cars are in the grass on the other side of the church. So they hid them and we thought that they had gotten stolen. I have to admit, it was a good prank. Me and Kelly know that it was Mike and jackie that did it but we are going to let graig think that we dont know who did it cuz hes going to tell us later he said. whatever, lol.
I went to the mall yesterday with my g-ma to do birthday shopping and i got a cute corduroy purse at JC Penney and then i got a pair of super cute pants at Hollister and then i got a Gator shirt at Gator Mania in the mall. Its cute, i love my new outfit. I saw lots of people i knew at the mall too which was cool. Today i went to church and then took a 2 hour nap and now im getting ready to go back to church for youth.
At the haunted house Kiss 105 was there and me and Kelly won CD's and i chose Trapt. My new favorite songs are called "Stories" and "The Game". They go a little something like this.
The Game
How have you been, nice to see you again. How quickly these conversations seem to end. You meet a friend, every now and then. How quickly these relations turn into trends. Put all your walls up and open your windows. And close all your doors. Find yourself standing in front of the mirror. And now you need more. So What do you wish for. To catch you as you're falling. So easy to ignore. But now you hear it calling again. I wouldn't want to be you. This lonely game that you play. Between your walls you confuse. Every heart that you break. So afraid that you'll lose. Always a void to replace. I wouldn't want to play you. You try and pretend, the truth is hard to bend.
How easy these translations can be read. What if you were led to play a different game instead. How hard these frustrations are, they are to mend. Does it matter to you? Just Wait!
Stories
i found a line and then it grew
i found myself still thinking of you
i felt so empty and now I'm fine
but still it's burning when will you be mine
too much of the same stories in our lives
i think it's time for change, don't you
too much of the same stories in our lives
i think it's time for us to walk away from here
stories in our lives, we keep them all inside
look at me still in your mind
our memories so intertwined
well you broke through and found your way
and so did I no need to stay
in the same old picture tried and true
we've been through that, Let's look for something new
too much of the same stories in our lives
i think it's time for change, don't you
too much of the same stories in our lives
i think it's time for us to walk away from here
do you remember lying on the beach so late at night
do you remember running through the sprinklers that night
do you remember all the songs that I have wrote for you
all the songs that I have wrote for you...
i remember the way you made me feel when I was with you
i remember the smile that always brought me back to you
that look in your eyes I never thought that this would be untrue
untrue...
too much of the same stories in our lives
i think it's time for change, don't you
too much of the same stories in our lives
i think it's time for us to walk away from here
welp, im going to go get ready.
love,
stephanie
p.s. im not doing crew anymore.
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Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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| Time: | 9:52 pm. |
| Mood: |  accomplished. | | Music: | my dad as he farts...lovely. |
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wow. its been a long while. this box looks so wierd. lol. a lot has happened in the past 2 months. I went to sex on the suwanne with my church and that was a blast. i love my youth group so much. i swam in the river and it was scary. i learned some stuff, it was a relaxing weekend. im glad to say that this report card will be all a's and b's and thats the first time in a long time. It feels so good to finally not feel guilty about my grades, its like a have a clear concience now and i really want to keep that feeling. Its a great feeling.
This week was homecomg week and that was fun, the hallways looked fabulous! Cat Prowl was fuckin funny as hail. Trevor is the funniest person ever. drumline rocked and the snaps that the cheerleaders did was great. The game as good 42 - 0 is always a good score. Yesterday was Clay's birthday and it was fun, at TGI Fridays every waiter was uber hot and they all came at once to put balloons in her hair which was cute. Then we spent the night at her house and that was fun eventhough i fell asleep in the middle of the movie.
this update is dumb, you see how great my life was this past 2 months...yeah. lol.
<3
Me!
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Monday, August 25th, 2003
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wow, its been a while. welp. Youth Week went well, todd came everynight and we said one word to eachother. the ever popular 'hey.' ugh. i hate myself for that, why didnt i talk to him. i hope he doesnt think i hate him or something. Friday night was the big shabang. Justin McRoberts and Los-1, came and performed, Los-1 was cool and one of the breakdancers/rappers was so hot. and they had a good message. Then my man, justin, played. He was so great and hilarious. hahahahaah. Dorks for life, what what...Then the fun stopped and school started. My schedule is...
Geometry - Penska
Comm. tech - Lindgren
Spanish 3 - Feely
Chemistry - Kearney
American History Honors - Sabet
English 3 - Richardson
yeah fun stuff. I like all my classes except 6th period. but other than that its cool. 4th and 5th are the best because all i do is laugh all period and i love that. And i have lunch with my lover Kaydee. So im happy. we finally get to see eachother and thats awesome. <3. Thats about it as far as updating goes...are you happy now blair? lol.
<3
Me
p.s. brent looked uber hot sunday, i almost shat myself.
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Sunday, August 17th, 2003
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ahahaha ill be like 50 years old. cant wait.
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Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
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Saturday, July 26th, 2003
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Yesterday was so fun. I went with my youth group to Islands of Adventure in Orlando. We went to the worlds biggest mcdonalds and that was cool. Some how it was 5 dollars for a damn value meal, i dont think its that much for real. Then we went upstairs to the arcade and Kelly and I played the dance game and that was funny. I think i won lol. Graig hopped on and like 10 people gathered around to watch him, why does he always draw so much attention to himself?? ill never know. Anyways, then we went to the park and walked forever through the parking garage to get there and then we had to wait a few minutes to get the tickets and we were in!! We all went to the Hulk together and waited an hour for it, it was so much fun. i <3 that ride. Then we went on some gay ass ride that sucked but...yeah. Then we headed to our meeting place for lunch, got our lunch tickets and then, Me, Mary, Kelly, Graig, Alicia and Brandon went to The Green Eggs and Ham Cafe mmm...the guy working there was having a hard time but we were super nice. Then we went on The Cat in The Hat!! bgfeiugbrdigr. Thats a great ride. Graig volunteered me to go with him in the ride because they need a group of 2 so he was like "me and her will go." That was interesting, i dont know why we couldnt have waited and gone with Kelly and Mary but whatever. Then we went on Jurassic Park and that was fun and then Dr. Doom and Dueling Dragons like 85 times. Those are awesome rides. Then Kelly and I ditched them and went on a couple more rides together and then it got cloudy so we decided to walk to the front gate and we got there and most of us were there waiting, it started pouring and everyone in the park decided to start leaving so youve got like 54545 people running out and we are sitting under this thing for a bit. We were going to go to City Walk and eat at Hard Rock but no...we had to all leave because we were drenched and so we went to the van and changed and then went to IHOP...spent 2 hours in there it seemed like. We had the coolest waitress. She was so funny. Then we left and got home at about 11:30. We had a nice talk about sex, vaginas, having babies and penises. it was hilarious to hear Graigs point of view on those things when he didnt have his headphones on. hahahahaha.
Today i havent done anything but drive around. I ran a red light and almost hit a car but its all good. Tonight is flamingoing but i dont know if i want to go, we will see. tomarow is Fattys birthday.
im out.
<3
stephanie
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Thursday, July 24th, 2003
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Im so confused right now. About my christianity and how much of a freakin hypocrite i am. Everytime i go on a youth retreat to a conference or something where there is some special speaker standing on a stage talking about all these things ive heard over and over again, i know them, they have been pounded into my head, i go up to the alter along with all these other people who probably have never even thought about giving themselves to god. I dont know why i go up there everytime, maybe for a second chance, maybe to fill myself up and have that high for a week. We all do that and then a week later we fall, or atleast i do..everytime. I dont know why i cant stay up, i feel like im so different. Kelly asked a good question to me that i could not answer. It was..."How do you know that you are definitly saved, how do you know in your heart and head at the same time that you are?" and i was like "i have no idea." its like i accept God in my head and i know im a christian and i believe and stuff but i do not in any way live the life of a true christian, i dont pray everyday, i dont study the bible and read it, i dont act like i am that much a of christain around people, even with my church friends i dont act like that. I started thinking about this because last night at youth Brian gave his testimony and he said that in Highschool, he was looked at by his school as the christian kid and people would alwasys tell him they admired him and stuff but he knew in his heart he wasnt that great. And when he was telling that story and i was thinking, "that is so me." and i felt really bad. Im always surrounded by people who i know can keep me afloat but its almost like i dont let them, i want it but i dont let them. They are always reading there bible and they know verses and stuff and im so jealous of them. I need to start reading my bible because that book has everything. Then last night after youth i went home and watched this DVD called The Outsiders. And it was about all these surfers that are christians and they are so excited about God and they surf for him and read there bibles and it made me feel like such a dissapointment to everyone that ever thought that i was a christian. Im sorry if i fooled you. This is me, making a promise to myself that i will better myself and come back to god. I dont need to be one of those people that goes to a retreat and cries with all there heart anymore, i know now in my heart that i love God and i know now in my head and my heart that i can be what i want to be in christ. Im sorry i doubted you for so long.
When i made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for god, somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into
When i finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked god to remove the doubt
That makes me unsure of thsee
Things i ask myself, i ask myself
What am i getting myself into?
I'm getting into you
Because you got to me, in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into you
Because i've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love you with my life
When he looked at me and said
I kind of view you as a son
And for a second our eyes met
And i met that with a question
Do you know what you are getting yourself into
I've been a liar and i'll never amout to
The kind of person you deserve to worship you
You say you will not dwell on what i did but rather what i do you say
I love you and thats what you are getting yourself into
He said, i love you and thats what you are getting yourself into
*Relient K
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I just saw Hollywood Homicide and it was damn skippy. Josh Hartnett as always was super sexy and Harison Ford on a pink bike was hilarious. In one scene, Josh HArtnett jumps off this thing on to a little merch stand and it has all those oscars with peoples names on it and i was like "hey i have one of those, megan got me one!" it was a pretty good movie and it has a good soundtrack hehe. Sunday night was really interesting, i went to Amys house with her and kayleigh and grany and john reger and we watched White Oleander again and then @ 10 kayleigh and i left and went with her friends Craig and Josh and that was pretty fun, i think Josh is really hot and hes a gentleman, lol.
Kayleigh and I have started voleyball and it was ok, i did worse then i thought i would, its not that couldnt do the stuff, i just couldn't remember all the technical moves and it showed lol. But its ok, i'll get it down, hopefully. It was really fun being back on the court and stuff i just have to get used to it again.
Kaydee and I went to BestBuy together and that was pretty scary seeing as though i was driving the suburban and it was pouring and i couldnt see a damn thing like on the way to get her and it sucked but we managed. September 25&26 = me, megan, melissa and josh in orlando seeing Five Iron Frenzy, holy crap my pants i cant wait. This is there last year and they are breaking up and itll suck a lot to see them go but its their time and obviously they have good reason to stop so more power to them and god bless. September is a big month, the first weekend is rock the universe and then the next weekend is Brand New and Dashboard and ill just make kaydee take me with her, lol. (just jokin babe, but i for real want to go.) Then the next weekend is DMB with megan which i dont know if im going to cuz she doesnt even know who shes taking lol. so indecisive but you have time my love! Then the next weekend is Five Iron Frenzy! ahhh! how exciting is September? Very exciting. Next weekend, im going to Islands of Adventure with my youth group and that should be a blast.
Anyways, im gunna go. byyeeee.
But babe, I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of
I can see you
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
I see you walkin' real slow and you're smilin' at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
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Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
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"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything."
...god thats so true.
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lalapunk182's journal
contemplative.
worried.
drained.
bouncy.
blah.
crazy.
calm.
touched.